I Hate Self-Help Books: Setting your environment and Learning in 3's

Trying to learn new skills and happen to be in a generational(on going) event like a global pandemic, civil uprising, or recession? Find yourself with a bit of extra free time? Caught in a situation where the slow drip of repetition wears on your attention, feeds your anxiety, and undercuts your ability to work or workout? Oh......all the above? Cool cool cool. Don't worry, you are not alone.

I've always hated most self-help books. 

They tend to be an amalgamation of the same advice that misses a critical part of how to grow. Willpower and a flexible system to invest in it is almost always missing. Sure, your anecdote about how you found yourself in the mountains and axioms like "If you work towards the thing, you will be closer to getting that thing" are cool and all, but not ACTUALLY flexible tools for success. Great stories to buy your book. Great habits to build a community around an ideology. People want some type of structure, many of us crave it,  but way too often it's just some basic advice that allows (insert bigot) to press an ideological narrative on you. One of the easiest ways to convert people is to give them a sense of stability then tell them XYYZZZ is the reason. Make your bed, you'll feel better(correct!) organize your day and eat better, you'll feel better(correct!), feminism is the root of all of your loneliness and the reason you feel like a failure(incorrect!). Basic advice littered with some ideology, legitimate problems with bigotry as the solution. This is the root of reactionary ideology. People follow directions easier when you give them boundaries and a process. Vulnerable people, particularly young or isolated men, worried about their place in the world, stressed about never making enough, being enough, looking enough, want a North Star to believe in and fight for. It makes them very easy to manipulate. There are power and money incentives to do so, and people do. This irritates me to no end. 

We are all a reflection of our DNA and our environments, both things we didn't get to choose. Not everyone has learned how to learn, in a way that helps them learn best. What I want for you is success that's not reliant on herculean effort just to gain a new skill. Stability that isn't reliant on cult-like control. Progress you can count on.

What's needed? A clean and clear way to explore growth in a methodical fashion so that you can get the train moving on any aspect on your life. 

We are going to do this with two tried and true methods that pretty much everyone builds their advice from.

Set and Maintain Your Environments

Learning in 3's

Chances are decently high you've heard these same concepts a thousand different ways. Cool, for good reason. They are neither new, or particularly complicated. But, the concepts themselves hit every mark for good advice: they are useful, easy to understand, and easy to implement. 

Set and Maintain your Environments

Understanding your environments is how you set yourself up for success in the 4 main areas of your life. Sleep, Entertainment, Fitness, Work. Our focus will be on setting up rules for those environments, and maintaining them. Hygiene is just as important for your brain as it is for your body. Hygiene for your spaces is non-optional. It is easier to upkeep your room than it is to deep clean it every time it's filthy. Maintenance is imperative and momentum is a real thing. So, let's do a review of your environments, set them up properly (if needed) and focus on maintaining them. 

 

Sleep
Sleep is just as much of a habit as anything else. Hygiene is the most important here. From now on, your bed is sacred. You do not eat there, you do not watch videos on your phone there, you do not scroll on (insert Social Site literally made to keep your brain engaged and awake) there. You do not veg or binge shows in your bed. For some people, this leaves not much of an option (rent is expensive and places are small), so create other physical barriers for yourself, mental boundaries that physically help prime the brain to relax. If this is the case, where you sleep is where you lounge, your lounge is always above your covers. Once you are in under your blankets, eveything else is cleaned from the space, everything else is off. 

This takes time, and reading a book/listening to a podcast(that doesn't rile you up) is fine, but if you aren't asleep in 30-40 minutes, get up. Do something else. Work on other stations. But, the space for sleep must stay for sleep, you have to train your brain and body to respect it. Sleep is about consistency, and you don't get consistency without repetition. 

 

Entertainment
What you consume becomes you. Your entertainment space is framed by three rules

1. It's not the sleep or work space

2. You give your full attention to entertainment you can interact with and enjoy

3. It is not distressful 

 

Entertainment is about being present in what you're engaging. It's about enjoyment and decompression. Spend time connecting with people you like, binge a show you love, eat a metric ton of popcorn. This is not the time to shove your face in your worst anxieties, or even work projects. If something doesn't qualify under #3, not distressful, remove it. An entertainment space can be fluid, (sometimes a kitchen, sometimes a bed) and often is, don't bring your Work or stress to either, keeping it clean from the influences of your other spaces is important. Entertainment is about being present. 

 

Fitness

Your mental and physical health are deeply connected and one can prime the other. Easier to stay mentally motivated when you are physically well and energetic. Easier to stay physically consistent when you are mentally motivated and healthy. Yes, theoretically you could think your way into momentum, think your way into a better mood, think your way out of agitation or depression, but it is very, very difficult. Just because it's possible, doesn't mean it's probable, and the goal isn't to do things in the hardest way possible. Brains are silly, complicated messes, and it's way easier to stabilize then reset from particularly nasty mental ruts by priming the physical to help get the mental going.  

If it is a gym you go to, a class you sign up for, a space in your home, or a daily walk outside, exercise is a non negotiable, whatever that means in your world. Dedicate that space, and a time, to be active. Some days will be worse than others, fine. You're human. Some days will be better. The big secret to every fitness plan is that the one that works is the one you do. For fitness, the key is to show up and set bare minimums for yourself.

 

Work

This could be personal work, this could be professional work, but everything that affects you technically is set up here. This is where you work (if from home) study, write, draw, organize your ideas, plan your day, set your goals, or structure your brain. If you are deciding on a new skill, this station is the home for that skill. This is where you are investing, expanding, and improving on yourself. This area will look different depending on what you are doing, and that's fine, but it needs to exist so that you have a dedicated space to work on what's important. It can be a full standing desk set up, or some blankets on the floor with books and a violin. What IS important here is that this section must be as hardline hygienic as your bed. Set whatever physical boundaries you can to make this section isolated, and remove distractions(say, hypothetically, you're a writer with a bunch of social media tabs open) so that you can focus. You do not bring entertainment into your work area. If possible, you don't bring food into your work area either. If you have to watch something at this moment, that's what your entertainment section is for, save it for later, or leave and come back. This, like sleep, like fitness, will take time. You'll suck at it. You'll be bored. You'll be distracted. But, you'll get better, and it will get easier. Work is about task dedication. You need time, without distraction, to work on the things that are important to you. 

Learning in 3's. 

Why 3's?! One is too little, and  too easy to get distracted or bored with. More than three ends up being overwhelming when the initial excitement ends. Again, the goal isn't to set yourself up for failure, but consistent success. Maybe 5 works better for you! Maybe 2 does. You don't know that yet, so in the meantime, we start with 3.

Having goals is the easy part. Yes, you know that it would be a good idea to read more. Yes, you SHOULD just stretch and sweat every day. Fix your finances? How about just spending less money on garbage and just be smart. Oh. Just like that. Why didn't anyone say so? 
Well, unsurprisingly, your habits don't work that way. The hard part is learning to train yourself. Learning to ask yourself good questions and being methodical about answering them is the key skill set, and it's a skill set that is learned through practice. It is a fundamental tool to progression. Learning in 3's is a method to develop that tool.

Life is complex, dynamic, and generally inconvenient, so if your habits aren't engrained into your psyche, you aren't going to be able to keep growth consistent without deliberate structure. "But Brandon, what if I just have an insane amount of willpower and if I decide to do it, I'll do anything." Great! This isn't for you, you are a % of a % of the population, you should actually stop giving advice to people because it's fundamentally flawed in its understanding, use that superpower to learn how to communicate and stop pestering folks. Everyone else, slow it down, getting better at everything is a journey.

You are going to start with a broader goal, and you are going to pick 3 things to work on at time, until they are habits. Then, you are going to pick 3 more. Do things, get to the point where you are comfortable and confident with those things, do more things. Just like you wouldn't start your marathon training by running a marathon, don't overwhelm yourself(and probably burn yourself out) by attempting the most advanced version of the skill you are learning. Trying too much at once is just going to ensure that some things fall off, and you aren't fully grasping the steps to progress and truly move forward.

Decision fatigue is real and the goal isn't to exhaust you, but for you to feel accomplished, prepared, and progressively more confident in what you are doing.

"But Brandon," you interrupt again, for some reason, "this advice on it's own is STILL TOO VAGUE, because yes, it makes sense. If you are giving this advice to someone who is starting off, you aren't giving them a process to test, to try, to start. People need and like examples."

Absolutely correct. We are getting there, stop yelling at me. 

The trick to Learning in 3's is to just start and adjust. Personally, I'd like to be more structured and less reactionary during the day. I'd like to be one of those people who is at the gym in the morning to start their day, organizes his meals, gets the vast majority of emails and project coordination done before noon, writes 1,000 words a day, devotes time to music, work on healthy masculinity content, revamp my wardrobe, devote quality time to personal relationships, and launch a few more ideas that have been sitting on backburners for about a decade. My current habits and schedule are not that person. Physically, mentally, structurally, financially, and professionally, I'm not there.

So, let's pick something and try it out.

The process:
1. Try the thing. It is important not to overly obsess about the list, but to start it and adjust. You'll get better, that's kind of the whole point. 
2. Write down what you want to work on in a place you are going to look at daily. This is now your bible. You start your day, check at lunch, and end your day with this list
3. Write notes about what you are working on. Make those notes detailed. They don't have to be long, just specific, try to keep them to one sentence.  Color code them, draw/take pictures, paint it in the sky. Whatever it takes to engage your brain a little more, wanting to interact with the things you are checking on. It will take you a little bit more time up front, but will help with retention and your willingness to invest.

Writing down your experiences and processes is a multi-faceted tool. It is important to learn to ask yourself questions about your own experiences, how those experiences made you feel, and what you can do to improve them. If this is an entirely new concept to you, expect it to affect your personal life and relationships to other things in your world. Writing questions to yourself and answering them with intent, makes it easier to ask better questions and navigate your life with more awareness of what is influencing you. 

The smarter you believe you are, the more important it is that you write things down. You forget more than you realize, and just because you can survive shooting from the hip doesn't mean it's the best version of you.

Try it: Working out in the morning

After a about a week of going to the gym earlier in the morning, this is how I felt: Woke up a little groggy , went to bed at 12:30. Was at the gym by 6, done by 715. Felt rushed, like I was throwing things together at the gym/looking up my workout while in the gym. 

Questions I asked myself about this experience

How can I improve this experience and feel better about everything I mentioned?

 Waking up earlier, deciding my workout. 

What time in the morning works for the rest of my schedule?

 5:30am. The gym is 1 mile away 15-20 minutes of cardio. 40-55 minutes of strength and flexibility. Gives me 30 minutes of "wiggle room" for morning call ins, different workouts, running late, etc. 

What do I need to do the night before to realistically and consistently be in the gym by that time? 

Pack my gym bag, prep my work outfit, walk the dog before 9:30pm, physically in bed by midnight. 

Looking over those answers, I've got my three things:

1. Go to bed by midnight.
2. Prep my gym bag.
3. Prep my workout for the next day.

That's all I'm working on. Until they are habits I don't need to think about, that's all that's on my list for fitness. Simple enough? Mostly. Are there things I'd like to add to this? Absolutely. 30 minutes of yoga before bed, writing out fitness plans for Track and training, clarifying and deepening my aesthetic goals with traveling. Marathon training. Adding time for BJJ, adding time for basketball, pick an event to compete in, etc etc, etc. However, I'll get to them after I can do these three things without thinking. When these three are my new norm, I switch them out for a different 3, I adjust, I progress. 

Let's try an example different than that's different from fitness, but equally frustrating and task based: Writing. 

Writing sucks. Also, I love writing, and writing is easy. Writing is easy when it is easy and writing also sucks every other time.  

Try it: Writing 1,000 words/day

After a about a week of sitting to write 1,000 words/day:  Wrote words on everything but what I wanted. Got distracted fairly easy by being physically or mentally antsy. Got distracted by my phone, twitter, any and all notifications. Averaged about 100 words/day, while having two days where I wrote 1k. These days were longer, I wasn't more productive, I just sat until I could get momentum eventually.

Questions I asked myself about this experience

Do I set my environment up correctly to prevent distractions? No. I'm most productive in a controlled environment or controlled chaos. I need a proper playlist, and limited distractions. I should eat ahead of time. Close all unnecessary browser tabs, especially social media related, and anything with notifications. If I need information from something that relies on reactionary attention, screen shot it and paste the thread/info in an email to myself

Did I prompt myself with proper questions and frameworks so that I know what I want to write, instead of trying to come up with it on the fly?

Apparently I can't sit and hyperfocus on a single topic on demand. I've tried it over and over. Sitting down, telling my brain "write two articles about infrastructure and how economic desperation makes it easier to pick on social issues of loneliness and insecurity" apparently doesn't just work. For every writing session, I need to specify what information I'm trying to send, message I'm trying to communicate, problem I'm trying to recognize. 

Can I consistently even do half of my goal? 500 words/day on a single topic, consistently?

Lol, no. So, writing is a goal I should treat like maintenance. Start with a minimum of 4 sentences a day, good or bad, and go on from there. Adjust my goals when I can hit the minimum with ease a sentence at a time. 

The three things:

1. Control my environment before writing. Turn off all distractions, start music
2. Give my self an outline before I start writing. Either a good prompt or questions to answer
3. Write 4 on topic sentences a day

I've tried this for about a week now, my output and progress are exponentially higher. I'm significantly less frustrated/exhausted/hopeless when I write. I get more done, in less time, and feel better about it. Fantastic. However, it's still doesn't feel natural and easy yet, so I'm going to stick to those three things until they do.

Learning in 3's allows you to make self-guided learning plans, with personal goals that allow your experience to customize how best to achieve those goals. Setting your environment allows Pick a topic, break it down into a 3 steps at a time, practice and repeat until it's second nature. It's one of the most effective and widespread methods for learning.

To summarize your new gameplan

1. Set your environments up
2. Maintain hygiene and upkeep of those environments
3. Break down new skills by Learning in 3's.

-BB