Photo by Jay Clark
Faith has always been important to me. Not religion, per se, but a central belief in community, morality, the arch of history, and fighting for something better. The knowledge that things will be alright. I grew up with the trifecta of community that builds ingrained confidence: Built-in best friends in my close family, built-in community in church/being a military brat, and parents that supported me/told me I could do anything. Moving around as a military brat, church was the venue, but the community was the point. A priest during Sunday school told me something that has always stuck with me: "Christ is about free-will, understanding, community, and forgiveness, everything else is bullshit......er, my son." He was from Boston and did not mince words. I once saw this man mow over a teenager during a softball game with zero hesitation. The man meant business.
I grew up knowing I'll always be okay. I'll always have food in my belly and a roof over my head......but I also knew I'll always have people that fight for me when I make mistakes. I'll always have room to grow and not be perfect. I'll always have space to let go. I often ignored those things to make life harder, unsurprisingly, ego needs to be recognized to steer, but I HAD them. I've always had people I can trust. I've always had a community. This is definitely not true for everyone, and it seems especially deficient in men.
Healthy romantic relationships are in a rapid decline, and I think they'll continue to do so in at least for the foreseeable future. Male loneliness and depression are rampant, and they have been on a consistent upward trend for half a century, exacerbated by dating apps and social media. The digital age didn't create these issues, just highlighted them. People think it's just sex, but it isn't. The depression and loneliness come from feeling unheard. Comes from feeling undesired.
Male loneliness is a uniquely terrible phenomenon because it's a direct result of a society built around disparate gender norms that require men to be dominant. It both sets the standard for what masculinity can be and limits the number of men who can ever live up to it. The results aren't surprising. Men have fewer friends than generations before, +80% of men have body image issues, even the idea of platonic friendships has eroded, and the closeness of male friendships is sparse. It's hard to overstate how much homophobia has stunted the ability of some men to reveal their emotions to other men. Scared of even the possibility of looking weak or ever being called gay.
Emotionally stunted, looking for a community to share their feelings, label their problems, often dudes find themselves in toxic communities that don't help them build better foundations for themselves. Offloading any personal blame(see: incels with women, the Manosphere with women, pick-up artist with women. Yes, there is a theme) and building comradery in whatever they've decided to hate. These cycles are self-defeating.
This isn't even diving into the loneliness, pressures, and self-esteem gauntlets we've built for women.
I think it's unrealistic to think we can fix problems generations in the making in a day, but there are healthier ways to approach with honesty, vulnerability, and to discuss our insecurities. Therapy isn't an option for everyone, but a lot of men are just waiting on others to make that first step. Waiting for someone else to show trust. To provide a space that when they are emotionally drained and unsure, they can talk without judgment.
I lucked out with the friends and family I have and I hope I provide the same trust they give me. Regular, meaningful interactions among groups that empathize with you can be a mental balm that soothes away life's stresses. We have a mountain of work to do to dismantle frameworks, to build more positive standards of interaction and growth, to develop better men.