Oh. You! You're what I've been looking for.
Instant spark romantically has never been a thing for me. Attraction? Of course. But, instant spark? Not until a few years ago.
I've tempered my relationships to be amiable my whole life. For me, finding those niches were(are) the fun part. Generally filtered through some general moral axioms, my eclectic personality was often exactly what it needed to be to fit in:
Be the center of attention.
Be a wallflower.
Be a social butterfly.
Be a bookworm.
Be good at (the thing!) but, not better than the friend you know whose ego is wrapped in being good at it.
You get the idea. I wasn't so amorphous because I was unsure of myself, I thoroughly enjoy understanding why people are the way they are. It's one of the reasons I don't get nervous in most situations; I've been through that experience, and been that person before. I've delved into those feelings and breathed them through who I am. I know what to expect.
Unfortunately, this ended up in me habitually only giving a piece of myself in relationships. Naturally attracted to people who focus on themselves, not mutual growth, I'd constantly unconsciously put up walls that kept me in my comfort zone. Instead of presenting who I am, fully, I'd be the parts of myself that person needed. Filler to broken pieces, instead of a partner looking for an equal.
Love for me has always been a slow burn.
That instant spark comes from people that get you, fully. It's hard for someone to get you fully if you aren't willing to let them.
I didn't get it. Until, I did.
Oh. It's you. Butterflies. This is what I want.
I get butterflies when I hear the right song.
I get butterflies when I have the right idea.
I get butterflies when I see the right interaction.
God's touch. Fate's breadth. Butterflies. This is what I want.
Butterflies tell us we are scared. Butterflies are our true north. Butterflies tell us where we should go. For some people, that instant spark is a feeling of elation, and passion. For me, it's the butterflies. From now on, they are the exact direction I'm always going to be running. You should too. Everything else is noise.