"Probably not. Well, definitely not. The more I think about it, the more I'm absolutely sure that we aren't friends. Acquaintances? Sure. Lovers? Sometimes. Political allies? Always. But, friends? We've never been friends. I honestly don't know if you still know how to make new friends. I'd never let my friends treat me the way you do. I may be your friend, but, we aren't friends. This is definitely a one-way street.
Luckily, that's okay. Our interactions aren't based on friendship, or, even a basic mutual respect for each other. It's centered around feeding the toxic parts of your pride and pretending that you don't have control when you make selfish decisions. This is something I've known since I first met you. It dances behind your eyes when you boast. It undermines your decisions when things look difficult. I see it, sucking who you could be, dry. I assumed they were growing pains, we all go through our phases; I definitely have my own issues. But, I soon realized, this is just who you are. These aren't accidental missteps on the road to growth. These are the purposeful actions of someone who is too scared to grow. Constantly convincing herself of her own bullshit. Which is unfortunate, because I'm not going to stop growing for you. "
I had forgotten what that felt like. I forgot that I'd felt like that at all.
This is a transcript of a voicemail that I left myself years ago(so that I wouldn't forget it, it goes on for about 4 more paragraphs). I obviously was not happy about something. I knew I didn't want to lash out directly, but, I needed to complete my thoughts while I could. These were feelings I could only articulate in pieces before, but never with such clarity and completeness. I remember the immediate release of tension I felt. Just saying my piece, albeit to myself, helped calm me down to take some perspective on what I was feeling.
Emotions are sometimes hard to communicate clearly. There is no standardized way to do so, but doing so is important. Try, and try, and try, until you do. Even if that means yelling into a voicemail to yourself.